


bilbo and the horrible, no good, very bad journey

by certifiedclown



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Crack, Bilbo Baggins and the One Ring, Bilbo is So Done, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, During Canon, During The Hobbit, Emotionally Constipated Thorin, Eventual Bilbo Baggins/Thorin Oakenshield, Fix-It of Sorts, Fluff and Crack, M/M, Oblivious Bilbo, POV Bilbo Baggins, Sassy Bilbo Baggins, Slow Burn, Thorin Is an Idiot, Thorin is a Softie, just. everything is crack and not to be taken seriously
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-03
Updated: 2020-04-03
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:01:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23464342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/certifiedclown/pseuds/certifiedclown
Summary: "Fili! Look!" he exclaims with a smile. "It's a cat!"Bilbo nearly faints at the comparison, truly horrified. And deeply offended on the behalf of all felines. The nerve!But neither Fili nor Kili notice his displeasure. In fact, the both of them look very pleased with the slight of Gollum - far too pleased to be normal. They turn to each other once more and speak in low tones before turning to their uncle."Uncle Thorin," Fili begins very seriously and Bilbo braces himself for more absurdity, "can we keep him?"This time Bilbo does faint.
Relationships: Bilbo Baggins/Thorin Oakenshield
Comments: 5
Kudos: 32





	bilbo and the horrible, no good, very bad journey

“Where is our Hobbit?” Bilbo hears Gandalf bellow in anger and he creeps closer to see the truly tall man round on Thorin. “Where is our Hobbit?!”

Gloin glowers and gestures widely, his ruddy face flushed further with frustration. "Curse that Halfling! Now he's lost! I thought he was with Dori!"

"Don't blame me!" Dori cries, offended and distraught. Gloin huffs angrily and waves him off. 

"And where did you last see him?" Gandalf demands, looming over the poor Dwarves terribly.

"I think I saw him slip away when they first collared us," Nori offers helpfully. Gandalf rounds on him immediately, eyes intent.

"What happened exactly?" he asks sharply. "Tell me!"

Thorin glares at the wizard. “I’ll tell you what happened. Master Baggins saw his chance and he took it!" he spits harshly, squaring his shoulders against the wizard's incensed gaze. "He’s thought of nothing but his soft bed and his warm hearth since first he stepped out of his door. We will not be seeing our hobbit again, he is long gone."

This, Bilbo thinks to himself, cannot stand. He will not stand here and watch as Thorin drags his good Baggins name through the disgusting dirt of this confounded mountain! On top of that, he’d really like to cower behind a nice wall of Dwarves as they look at that terrible creature that’s followed him from the caves. Really, why did it have to follow him?

“Actually,” he calls out quickly, removing the ring and shoving it into his pocket as he practically runs to the Company, making his way to Gandalf with determination, very pointedly ignoring the wet, gurgling breaths following him, “here’s the burglar!”

“Bilbo, my dear fellow!” Gandalf greets warmly before his eyes catch sight of the wretched creature scurrying after him just a few feet away. The rest of the Dwarves follow his gaze - barring Fili and Kili who seem much too absorbed in what seems like an argument with each other, which is clearly about "our burglar" if the muttering is to be believed - and step away from the approaching thing, discomfort clear on their faces, reaching for their weapons as their eyes pinch and their lips curl. “Oh, dear.”

“Please,” Bilbo says, meeting Thorin’s uneasy eyes, “get rid of it.”

“What, pray tell, _is_ it?” Thorin asks and Bilbo gives him a look that roughly translates his ignorance - how he doesn’t quite know and is far too afraid to even think of asking the foul thing. The Dwarf nods as if this makes sense and looks back at the creature in subdued horror. “I see.”

“Dwarveses, precious, it has Dwarveses,” the creature hisses to itself, circling them like a vulture, using the trees as cover, coughing harshly, wetly. “Clever little Hobbitses, clever little thief, we hates it.”

"It is Gollum," Gandalf says gravely, raising his voice so that he may be heard over the bickering of the two princes. "An ancestor of yours, my dear Bilbo - a Stoor Hobbit of the River-folk. I'm afraid this poor creature was ensnared by a great evil and twisted by it beyond recognition. I very much doubt he even remembers his own name."

Fili and Kili turn to look at Gandalf as he speaks, clearly distracted from their argument, when Kili's eyes land on the foul, snarling thing. He smacks his brother on the shoulder and points to it, eyes wide with surprise and - is that _happiness_?

"Fili! Look!" he exclaims with a smile. "It's a cat!"

Bilbo nearly faints at the comparison, truly horrified. And deeply offended on the behalf of all felines. The nerve!

But neither Fili nor Kili notice his displeasure. In fact, the both of them look very pleased with the slight of Gollum - far too pleased to be normal. They turn to each other once more and speak in low tones before turning to their uncle.

"Uncle Thorin," Fili begins very seriously and Bilbo braces himself for more absurdity, "can we keep him?"

This time Bilbo does faint.

When he wakes mere moments later, it is in the steady, warm embrace of one of his worried companions - Bofur, recognized in Bilbo's dazed moment only by his very distinct hat - and it is far too soon. Gollum bares its teeth at him and he cowers away from it, deeply unsettled, taking comfort in the safety Bofur’s arms give him. The Dwarf tightens the embrace and edges them away from the creature, gently tugging him into the circle of Dwarfs with their weapons at the ready.

Bilbo pulls himself from Bofur and quickly wipes his hands on his poor, abused waistcoat - his lovely maroon one! oh, his poor brass button! they were so lovely! they'd had had little acorns engraved on them! - brushing off the muck from the caves with a disdained sniff. It doesn’t do much for his waistcoat, unfortunately - it’s beyond saving at this point - but the motion soothes his frazzled nerves and he needs as much comfort as he can get with that foul thing eyeing him like he’s a particularly fine cut of meat.

“Thank you, Bofur,” he says graciously once he’s finished freshening himself up - oh, how he wishes he had a mirror! “If you’d not caught me, I’d have cracked my head open! And then, I’m afraid, you’d really be down one burglar.”

Bofur waves him off with forced cheer, eyes briefly focusing on him to give him a smile before flickering back to the thing. “Why, of ‘course! Yer one of us now, lad.”

Bilbo does not flush with pleasure at that - he does not! - and he most definitely does not tear up. No, he is a grown Hobbit and he knows how to deal with his emotions; he’s not a fauntling who gets overwhelmed so easily. He nods stiffly at Bofur and turns away to face the boys, a frown tugging at his lips. He catches Thorin’s eye as he does and notes the shocked horror there - a very nearly perfect reflection of his own current state.

Kili is trying to weaponize his youth, currently giving Thorin his best puppy-eyes in an attempt to get what he wants. Fili is attempting the same. It is not working.

“It is not a cat,” Thorin says slowly, in a mixed state of disbelief and discomfort. He looks as if he can’t decide whether his nephews jest or whether they are serious. He looks very lost and Bilbo has never related to him more than in this moment.

With little thought on his part, he stomps over to the family and stands before the boy with his legs set apart and his hands on his hips. He puts his best glare on and sets his lips in a truly disappointed frown, greatly pleased when the boys wilt like poorly cared for hyacinths at the likely familiar look. And then Bilbo digs in deep and does his absolute best to channel a truly horrid mix of his mother Belladonna and his relative Lobelia Sacksville-Baggins, knowing that this deadly combination could cow even the most stubborn of men - perhaps even a certain wizard and, dare he say it, even a certain Dwarf King?

“Fili and Kili, sons of Vili!” he bellows, veins in his neck bulging from the force, vindictively pleased when the Dwarflings flinch and the older Dwarfs murmur amongst themselves at the show of volume. “You will stop this nonsense this instant or so help me I will have your hides as a new cloak!”

“But...but…” Kili stammers, trying to get a word in edge-wise, but Bilbo does not give him room. He draws himself up to his full height and twists his mouth, furrowing his brows as he stares down at them despite being slightly shorter than the growing boys.

“No, no, no! I’ll not have your excuses!” he says quickly, wagging his finger at them before drawing in a deep breath, preparing. “You know very well that that foul thing is no cat! And you know very well that it is very dangerous! It is not a pet and it is not friendly! Why, it nearly took my life! The only reason I still stand before you is because I happen to love riddles!”

Fili pales at the thought and turns to face the creature. Slowly, doubt fills his eyes and takes over his expression. “Are...are you sure? It’s really very frail. Surely, it couldn’t have been much of a threat?”

Bilbo seethes. “I’d like to see you watch it beat a Goblin to death with nothing more than its fists and a small rock and still think it not much of a threat!”

“It _what?_ ” Kili chokes out, his eyes going wide. Bilbo huffs and opens his mouth to elaborate, but Kili is already speaking. “It’s stronger than it looks then! Hey, Fee, how long do you think we’ll have to be feeding it before it’ll let us pet it?”

Fili pauses thoughtfully. “I’m not sure. All I know is that we’ll have to feed it a lot, so it doesn’t try and eat our burglar again! Would be a pity, that.”

Bilbo wants to scream, very much tempted to rip their braids out of their heads. He throws his hands up. “Save me from the foolishness of Dwarflings!”

Thorin watches him leave with a helpless look on his face. Bilbo feels no sympathy for him. Let him suffer through his nephews' foolishness on his own! Thorin lets out a heavy breath - just on the verge of being a sigh, could you imagine? - and very slowly turns back to his kin, his face set in a grimace as he prepares to tell them that no, they cannot keep it and no, it is non-negotiable.

Before he can even open his mouth, however, he is interrupted by howls and a dark voice calling down from above them - from atop the mountain. The Company looks up from the meager cover of the pines and they all collectively pale at the very many Wargs they see currently running down the mountain, straight for them, at full speed. 

Bilbo, himself, lets out a very manly cry, thank you very much!

Thorin shares a glance with Gandalf, forgetting the creature and his nephew's ridiculous idea for the matter currently at hand. "Out of the frying pan…"

"...and into the fire," Gandalf finishes wearily, his fingers tightening around his staff before he raises it and spins on his heel, raising his voice into something mighty and cutting. "Run. Run!"

Bilbo does not need to be told twice, what with the Wargs and Orcs and Gollum currently at their heels. He turns away from the horrifying onslaught of Fell creatures and races down the mountain, the Dwarves and wizard following close behind. And if he hears Kili whisper to his brother in surprised wonder at how fast someone "so little and small" can move - well, he ignores it as best as he can, quietly resolving to cuff the boys once the opportunity presents itself.

Unfortunately for them, they reach a cliff and are very much trapped. Bilbo repairs quietly and unsheathes his sword, turning to face the horrible sight with great reluctance. But Gandalf is not deterred. He makes for the trees.

"Up into the trees - all of you!" he commands before heaving himself - somehow gracefully - into a tree, curling his thin, tall body around the skinny top. "Come on, climb! Bilbo, climb!"

Once again, Blibo does not need to be told twice. He ignores the enclosing Wargs and leaps for a tree branch, fingers just barely closing around it before pulling himself up and away from the danger of slobbering jaws and dripping teeth. The Dwarves follow quickly and they huddle together in their respective trees, climbing higher when the Wargs reach them and begin _jumping_ \- Yavanna, help them! - in an attempt to snag them.

The Wargs fell a few trees and they groan as they fall, the Dwarves in their branches shouting in alarm, leaping to one nearby, the sudden weight leading it to a similar fate before finally stopping in the few set near the cliff's edge.

"Here!" Gandalf calls, throwing _flaming pinecones_ of all things to the members of the Company, setting fire to the grass below, keeping the snarling creatures at bay, saving them from toppling off of the cliff to gruesome deaths. "Throw them far! Keep them away from the trees!"

And so they do and for a moment it seems like it's enough - but then the very tree Gandalf resides in topples over, upsetting the Dwarves there with him, the tree only gripping the edge with its roots, and Dori only gripping for life by Gandalf's staff and Ori his brother's slowly slipping boot.

Bilbo can only pray to the Valor that they'll survive this, watching helplessly as the Ri brothers struggle and gasps and cry out.

And then the Pale Orc, Azog the Defiler, comes into view of all, the toxic smoke from the fire seeming to part in his wake, making room for a much greater evil. Thorin stares in horror and disbelief - much stronger than what he'd previously shown, almost devastating, heartbreaking to witness - and the Orc smiles nastily, barring his sharp, yellow teeth.

**_"Do you smell it? The scent of fear?"_ ** he says, the Black Speech a curse to Bilbo's ears. **_"I remember your father reeked of it, Thorin, son of Thrain."_ **

"It cannot be," Thorin whispers, his voice cracking, breaking with the sudden swell of emotion and Bilbo - well, he feels splintered just at the sound of it.

The Orc points at Thorin, his eyes never leaving the King in Exhile. **_"That one in mine! Kill the others."_ **

At his unknown words, the Orca and Wargs with him swarm them once more, pushing through the fires to reach them. And they cannot hide in the trees any longer. The Dwarves jumps out, some rolling to stop on the charred ground before springing up with their weapons at the ready, drawing blood as easily as they draw breath and other land on the Warg riders, killing both master and beast in one sure strike.

And Thorin races through it all, ignoring his battling comrades, focused only on the enemy of his kin, heading for Azog with a single-minded determination and rage.

But he is not ready for this battle and the Company can only watch in horror as he is batted away by Azog's mace and then thrown away further when he tries again by his white Warg, the teeth digging into his middle harshly as if he is nothing more than a toy.

And Bilbo cannot watch.

Something cold and hot, freezing and yet boiling, thrums in his veins and he climbs from his fallen tree and brandishes his Elven sword like the weapon it is, surging forward to stab the short blade into the meaty flesh of the Orc looming above Thorin's bleeding form, using his momentum to pierce its black heart before wrenching it away to face the Pale Orc in defiance, his fear all but forgotten in his sudden courage.

The large Orc regards him with beady eyes filled with hate and he swings his sword threateningly when the white Warg advances, catching one of its eyes, slicing through the sclera with one movement. It snarls in pain and shakes his head, backing away from him instinctively and he snarls, baring his teeth at the pair, daring them to try again.

And he worries for a moment that they well, but he needn't have because at that very moment a loud, piercing cry fills the hot, dry air and a lightly eagle swoops down, scooping the Pale Orc and his Warg off the cliff, squeezing them with its sharp talons before releasing their bleeding bodies, letting them fall to their deaths. And Bilbo could cry in relief as the rest of the Orcs and Wargs follow, the fires dying down to nothing but embers from the torrent of wind from their eagles beating wings, the winds so harsh and strong, too much to fan them higher.

And maybe he sheds a few tears, his strength leaving him so quickly that he collapses beside Thorin, but who is here to see it? 

He does not expect to watch as Thorin and himself are scooped up by an eagle - very gently, mind - and he squawks in surprise, barely having enough time to grab their things, holding them between his and Thorin's chest as firmly as he can, keeping the sharp points of their blades pressed against his own stomach so as to not worsen Thorin's already fatal wounds.

He hears shouts and yells from below and turns his head almost painfully to see the rest of the Company receiving the same treatment, though Gandalf himself is sat atop an eagle's back and not held in its claws, lucky bastard. His eyes seek searchingly and he quickly counts all thirteen of the Company before pausing on a fourteenth.

_Is that….?_ he thinks to himself, dread tracing a finger down his spine. _No, no, it can't be._

He narrows his eyes and tries to discern details, but all he can accurately make out is pale skin and writhing limbs. He huffs in annoyance before stilling, eyeing Thorin's unconscious form warily before returning to his "observing".

"Curse it and crush it, precious!" a thin voice wails, traveling to him just barely through the rushing wind, and he freezes, despair pooling in his gut. "We hates it, yes, yes, we do! We hates the Bagginses forever!"

_Oh sweet Yavanna,_ Bilbo cries out as loudly as he can in his own mind, chocking back a strangled cry, _why?!_

**Author's Note:**

> a stupid idea me and my friend came up with that i promptly decided to make a reality. idk how often i'll update but enjoy
> 
> check out my server: [spicy hot takes!](https://discord.gg/UBpDYdQ)
> 
> and yell at me on tumblr: [iwishihadbrain.](https://iwishihadbrain.tumblr.com/)


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